Keep Calm and Carry on Twitching

whatever is the world coming to? These groups are supposed to be looking after our feathered friends, cute and cuddly creatures, not getting stroppy. And for what?

Enjoy the Rare Birds Boom with Kami-Kwasi Economics

Guest opinion piece by C.J. Baggdem-Twelvebore and Lee Bert Airyun

We are writing this opinionated piece regarding a very urgent matter affecting groups of greenies in the UK today – which, as all true nature lovers realise, is that they seem to have become all hot and bothered by the introduction of Kami-Kwasi Economics. Well, this really does show things have come to a pretty pass, and we are here as calming voices of reason (and thanks to that huge untraceable donation from Dark Money Inc – ED).

“Make no mistake, we are angry. This Government has today launched an attack on nature,” the RSVP tweeted, soon followed by the Wildlife Thrusts (no relation to luscious Liz) noting “we are also incredibly angry” and the National Truss (no, not our dear leader) adding that they’ll be ganging up with other nature charities and supporters “to defend important protections for nature long into the future”.

Well, whatever is the world coming to? These groups are supposed to be looking after our feathered friends, cute and cuddly creatures, not getting stroppy. And for what?

“As of today, from Cornwall to Cumbria, Norfolk to Nottingham, wildlife is facing one of the greatest threats it’s faced in decades,” the RSVP tweeted, getting all high and mighty and extinction-rebelliony, simply because planning laws will be ripped up to create bountiful investment zones.

Now let’s face the facts here. These zones will replace worthless underperforming spots of greenery, home to little but vulnerable species including otters, birds, dolphins, and bats – which might be all very well on shows by our national treasure, David Battenburger, but in reality contribute nothing to the people who actually matter: the obscenely wealthy.

While as for birdspotters reading this august publication, we are here to say there’s no need to be concerned. In simple political language for simple people: 

From now on, the British bird list is worth 40% or so less in terms of other bird lists. That doesn’t mean, of course, that the bird list here in Britain, in your pocket or smartphone app, has been devalued.

Harold Wilson-Phalarope

Indeed, as the Daily Fail and Rah-Rah Express always tell us, there are ample reasons for looking at the bright side. And with more concrete zones across the nation, there will be more rare birds for everyone to enjoy, twitchers and birdspotters alike, as common species become uncommon, while uncommon species become rare.

That won’t soothe everyone of course, for nowadays it seems all manner of people are jumping on the greenie bandwagon, getting uppity about threats to the natural world; but just because our life support system is being irreparably harmed doesn’t mean the hoi polloi should be blocking motorways.

Nor should former punk popstars like Fearless Snarkey be getting their undertones in a twist, simply because Britain’s rivers are full of shit (like this opinion piece – ED). People must appreciate that if bathers avoid beaches awash in raw sewage, there will be lots more space for badass shite-hawks. 

Remember, too, the Government remains committed to halting the decline of biodiversity in England by 2030. Maybe just not in the next few years.

So, Not BB readers, keep calm, drink tea, admire the Little Egrets everywhere, and the breeding Bee-eaters, without considering what they indicate. While the RSVP should go back to what it does best: creating and selling patterned tea towels.

Trusst in Truss, if you’ll pardon the pun, while she is just getting started. Busy Lizzy really knows the folly of wasting funds on saving bits and pieces for nature by handing out taxpayers’ money to farmers from hedgerow funds. Instead, we must all do our best to support proper hedge funds, frackers and bankers – people really in need, unable to survive without extra yachts and boltholes in the Bahahamas; along with friends of Lizzy and Quasi, who’ll be laughing all the way to the think tanks. 

We live in interesting times indeed, with unprecedented changes ahead, in the quality of life for humans, birds and bunnies. 

And while Kami-Kwasi Economics will transform the land and water homes of wildlife and the birds so beloved of the RSVP, Jacob Re-Smog will prove a breath of foul air across the land. Embrace the changes, we say. Rejoice, sing, cry tears of joy in this formerly green and pleasant land. Oh to be in England, now that Truss is here. We drink of the koolaid and are truly … (right, the money has run out; no more of this utter codswallop till the next donation is transferred – Ed).

And for a serious take on this very serious issue, see this article by the RSPB:

The UK Government is attacking nature – don’t let this happen in your name

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