Not BB ii

The Secret Diary of Adrian Moleington, continued

Measured my thing last night. Still only 434 3/4. It hasn't grown for ages! I hope it will grow again this autumn, and catch up with John Rons, who's got the longest thing in class. Everyone says his is so long that he has to work really hard to make it grow at all, and sometimes when it does it's all in his mind.

Saw Ethel again today. She served me a specially big piece of bread pudding and then said she couldn't see me any more. She was worried that I'd take liberties, after going to see that Samantha Fox Sparrow. Libeties, me? I nearly told here that I'm such a man of the World that my thing hardly grows at all. Instead, I gazed deep into the limpet pools that are her eyes, and offered to take her out to look for Nightjars on Saturday. She said she'd like to come, but Roy was going to show her his new answer-phone and, in case I asked, she was washing her hair on Sunday.

Mum and dad were fighting again at breakfast. Mum said everybody goes birdwatching these days. Look at that nice Tony Super and David Batterburger; so dad wasn't to go around saying his son was one of those Nancy's boys. Dad just sulked and hid behind his paper - the News of the Smews as usual.

A New Look at Familiar Birds - the Blue Tit

Mrs Larkspur continues our regular series, which was originally printed in the Sunday Telegraph.

This cheeky chappy is no stranger to Britain's birdlovers. No matter where you live, this colourful, perky bird will brighten up your garden and country jaunts.

Blue Tits are easily attracted to food put out for them. Coconuts, fat, Madeira cake and peanuts can all be successfully used. However, what Blue Tits like best is undoubtedly the top of the milk, which they reach before you do. A small price to pay for having this engaging bird around the garden.

A great deal of fun and satisfaction can be had by building a nesting box, and putting it in a suitable location in your garden. You will be entranced as your Blue Tits pull your favourite pullover to bits as it hangs on the washing line, only to carry this material to their nest in next door's sandstone wall. However, have no fear - they will return to your garden to feed their delightful brood of 36 young just outside your bedroom window at five in the morning.

What an obnoxious species! I much prefer Starlings.

(The editors would like to point out that although Blue Tits are a fully protected species, a Great Spotted Woodpecker hired from your local pest control expert should nip this problem in the bud.)

Old Dim's Almanac: extract no. 13

... and in ye autumne there shalt be a great winde from the east which shall bring forth many Siberian waifs and strays...